My Big Brother Billy
My brother Billy was a goofy kid. Anyone who knew him as a kid knows that he was endlessly playful. Pictures from our childhood exemplify his playfulness. He was always smiling, making faces, and creating laughter wherever he went. He had many loves. Some of his loves included elaborate facial expressions, jiggly puff from Pokémon, playing new video games, yugi-oh cards, and his 50 gallon salt water fish tank. He especially loved puffer fish.
As he grew older and went through puberty, he grew more serious. He kept a lot of the same interests but with a less playful manner than he once had. He developed new interests. These new interests included guitar, politics, historical leaders, and ancient Greek/Roman thinkers. He loved playing games like Civilization Revolution, where you choose from historical empires and develop them. He read Socrates, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, and Plato. He was a huge fan of Slash from Guns N’ Roses. He began writing, mostly stories and plays. He even took the time to develop his own coded handwriting that he wrote in and only he could read.
Our Relationship
I didn’t appreciate the gravity of his situation for most of his life. I was too young to remember his first four liver transplants. For his fifth transplant I was seven years old. I do remember seeing him propped up on a hospital bed and looking less himself than usual. I also remember that people were giving him presents like crazy. My seven year old mind was confused. Up to that point in my life nobody in my family had passed away. I knew Billy had serious health issues, but I couldn’t appreciate what loss meant. Gone? For how long? Death was just an abstraction to me at that age. Loss didn’t feel frightening. Billy had survived liver transplants before, so surely he would survive this one too. “That’s what he always did” I thought to myself, “he survived.”
Being only seven years old, much of the context of Billy’s situation was lost on me. All it seemed to me was that people liked Billy a lot more than me. Why? If they liked both of us, then why wouldn’t they give presents to both of us-or at least pay some attention to me? I realize how selfish and shallow this sounds in hindsight, but that’s how it felt as a child. All I knew was that people always asked about Billy and not me.
During his goofy phase, Billy and I were extremely close. We played Nintendo 64, watched Adam Sandler movies, and played with Dragonball Z action figures. We spent almost all of our time together. As we both entered puberty and our parents divorced, things changed. I traded video games and time with my brother for baseball and time with my friends. He stayed true to video games and kept a small but tight circle of friends. Suddenly, almost none of our friends or hobbies overlapped. I became self-absorbed and concerned with my image. My brother was not “cool” in my mind and my friends were. This kept me from wanting to spend time with him. People at school often didn’t even know we were brothers. Other than our last name, we didn’t have much in common. Our appearances were quite different-from our heights, to our hair color, to our senses of style. He had dark hair and was short from years of anti-rejection drugs. I had light hair and was tall. He dressed in cargo shorts and band shirts. I dressed in either athletic clothes or polo shirts. He always had his shirt tucked in to cover the scar on his stomach from his transplants. We rarely overlapped inside or outside of school, especially once I got my license and the feeling of freedom that comes with it.
My mom was diligent in urging me to hang out more with my brother when we were both in high school. She suggested we go to the movies or grab a bite to eat together. She even said I could bring my friends, knowing it would make me more likely to go. I persisted in avoiding her pleas and wiggling out of them in any way I could. One time we went to a movie and I slept through the whole thing. Another time we went to a restaurant, but I spent the whole time talking to my friend instead of engaging with Billy. Mom pleaded with me more and more as time passed. She emphasized that we didn’t know how much time we would have Billy and that we needed to make the most of it. I ignored her suggestions and kept doing what I wanted.
Over Billy’s last year his health slowly declined. First he contracted the bacteria c diff from a hospital visit. Then he had multiple checkups in Chicago in a few month span compared to his yearly visits. One day he ended up hospitalized in Daytona Beach. It was the first month of my senior year of high school. I felt like I was on top of the world. Logically, I knew that Billy’s health wasn’t great. But I still held the same belief that seven year old Robert internalized so long ago, “Billy always survives, he is a survivor and that is what he does. This time will be no different.”
Suddenly, he was moved from the hospital in Daytona Beach to Chicago. While in Chicago he experienced internal bleeding and doctors tried to locate the source. He was allergic to the dye used to locate internal bleeding from overuse throughout his life. Doctors failed to locate the source. He was swollen and in extreme pain. They were planning to intubate him and mom wanted me to talk to him. I called and we made small talk. He sounded extremely uncomfortable and I found it hard to be positive. We hung up. I don’t remember if I even said I loved him or not. It was the last conversation I would ever have with Billy.
Mom called me Thursday and said that my sister, father, and I would need to fly up to Chicago immediately. Billy wasn’t going to survive. Not survive? Billy? How? I had never even considered that a possibility. I always imagined we would have a warning and know that he was going in for a transplant or some big procedure, not be blindsided like this. We flew up to Chicago and he was taken off life support. My big brother died.
We went out to eat at some point after. I wasn’t hungry. My thoughts were swirling. I was trying to understand what the hell had just happened and how it happened so quick. Then the thought hit me. My mom was right this whole time. We didn’t know how long my brother would be with us, and what time we did have I wasted. Excuse after excuse after excuse. I found ways to ignore my brother and my responsibilities to be a loving brother towards him. The feeling was cemented when we were at his funeral. My sister made a beautiful slide show with pictures of our childhood. We were so close as kids. We did everything together and were great friends. What happened? How had I fucked things up this much?
The first day I returned to school following Billy’s death was shrouded in haze. I felt stunned and on autopilot. Reality didn’t hit me until I stepped into my english class. I had staggered through the first two periods barely holding things together. My English teacher was a lovely woman named Mrs. Meehl. She was tiny and elven, perhaps four foot ten on a good day. She always wore ornate and colorful outfits. She also taught Billy. She approached me and opened up her arms. I reciprocated. As soon as I embraced her, I folded. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I couldn’t pretend I was alright. It hurt like hell to lose my brother.
Lessons He Taught Me
For the first few years after he passed I struggled with understanding how to deal with his loss. I didn’t want to pretend like he never existed, but I also didn’t want feigned sympathy from people I hardly knew when the question of “do you have siblings” came up in conversation. Neither situation felt like an honor to Billy. I often struggled to talk about him or to find ways that felt like they honored his memory. For the first few years I would take out the video my sister made for his memorial. I would watch it on his birthday and the day he passed and just bawl my eyes out alone. I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t willing to reach out and explain to loved ones the struggle I felt.
I felt tremendous amounts of guilt from failing to spend more time with Billy when he was alive. I tried to make amends with this guilt by finding ways to learn from his life and resolving to do better moving forward. I was determined to not make the same mistake twice. One way I planned to do this was by always accepting my mom’s suggestions to call my grandma. I decided it was enough to take one person’s life for granted and that I better not do it twice. I held this promise and always accepted any calls to/from my grandma with the knowledge that each one could be my last. I was patient in talking with her and tried to ask her new questions or share as much about my life with her as she had the patience to hear about.
It would be foolish to pretend I only learned from Billy’s death. Billy taught me so much in the way he lived his life as well. He spent so much time reading and writing in his final two years. I often thought this was foolish and couldn’t understand his preoccupation with doing two things that I strongly disliked. In hindsight, I believe that Billy had a keen awareness that his time with us was limited. Knowing this, he wanted to leave as much to remember him by as possible and to lead an intentional life. This is why he was so fascinated with the Greek/Roman philosophers who taught what it meant to lead a “good life”. He wrote my mom a play. He wrote (even though I didn’t discover it until after his death) me a poem about how much he loved me and wished we were closer like we used to be. He was so so so so so kind in his life. This is something I will never forget about him and that I want to emulate the most from his life with us. He was always, always, always so kind to others. I miss you Billy.
25 responses to “Ten Years Without My Brother”
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Halo tournaments until 3am that would often lead to some not so virtual combat. Though it was usually the brothers battling each other as boys, those childhood bouts would be the ties that bonded us together as men.
Much love, and a happy belated birthday, to Billy -
I wrote most of these memories after William passed while you, dad, and I were on the plane leaving Chicago. I was so sad and heartbroken he was gone. But while we sat on the plane, I suddenly smelled him felt him there with me. How can that happen!?! It was so scary. emotional and surprising but then immediately gave me the peace I needed most. I couldn’t stop all the memories flooding into my brain and wrote all of these down (along with some of Robert’s input too). I love and miss Billy everyday. I share his story with my patients and always remind them to love life and spread as much happiness as possible to others around you.
Here are all the memories from that plane ride…most made it into my speech at his funeral. Love you
Memories of William
Baby Buddha belly
Watching sing a long VHS tapes
Making camp outs on the floor
Getting him to speak his first words while dangling pizza (he was 3 years old)
His infectious baby laugh
First concert-N/Sync…shhh he secretly liked it
Chuckle cheese birthdays
Bowling party birthdays
Making blanket forts
Watching Jurassic park 3 and saying he was going to change his name to Billy like in movie and I said UGH no way, no thanks
Bath time in big jacuzzi tub
Making a sign that said “kiss her” after Joel and I went on our 2nd date
Teaching me YUGIOH card game on floor in front of TV in NSB so I could impress a 17 yr old patient at work
Kirby
Pufferfish
Painting his fish tank stand
Going to the movies – they were always more fun with him and rob there
Wedgies (including ultimate car bungy cord wedgies!!!)
Road trip to Rhode Island in mini van playing Nintendo 64 and conkers bad fur day-YES we beat the game!
Cannonballs and water guns in the pool
Pushing him on swing sets
Losing to him at super Mario kart
Playing Carcassonne and settlers of catan
Civ 5 conversations I never understood
Our love of the sims computer games
Conducting at he Atlanta Symphony Orchestra and picking your wedgie out of your butt in front of hundreds of people
Wearing a top hat and using a cane at my wedding
Playing guitar at my wedding to Joel and I
Singing “Sweet Larisa” with your rewritten lyrics
Writing a school paper on me
Making me pictures in elementary school
Torturing you with tickles
Eating Pizza Hut, Stavro’s and capozzis YUM oh and m&m pizza
Visiting you in Chicago at the hospital
Witnessing your unbelievable strength and perseverance while in the hospital
Your free flowing thought process
Reading aloud your autobiography
Watching movies like The Help and Lincoln and crying over movies together
Biting your toe nails DUDE! YUCK lol
Your weird constant throat clearing
Puréed orange and green meals which you ate from birth to 10 or 11 years old
Making your aqua teen hunger force outfit for Halloween
Introducing you to Adam saddler and The Damn Show (because that’s what big sisters are for…to be bad influencers)
Sitting in my car listening to “Piece of $^%& car”
Rack em rack and Cherokee quotes from The Damn Show
Your smile
Your infectious laugh
Your impatience with me whenever I tried to sympathize or want to take your pain away and saying “it’s not your fault Ris. Don’t say you are sorry for me”
Beach trips and taking tons of pictures
Babysitting and using markers to write all over your faces and butts with robert hehe (I’m not always a good babysitter)
Forgetting to make you brush your teeth and getting yelled at
Hanging out with me as a new mom and telling me I’m a good mom to my baby Jayce
Giving Jayce Dusty and El Chu planes just because you wanted to give him something from you
Our road trip to Marietta and your week long stay before you passed (you didn’t tell me you were sick)
Going to eat sushi buffet and watching you eat 5 plates full of Chinese items I had never heard of
Going to the high museum to see the girl with the pearl earring exhibit
Eating at the varsity
Taking you to airport and hearing Jayce saying “I don’t want Bil-we to go”
Our last conversation when you were struggling to breath deep and sounded robotic and choppy (I should have known it was bad but you didn’t tell me)
Random Facebook postings and odd your odd pics and posts – you are totally you
A sense of humor all your own but I totally get and admire
The hardships of trying to grow a beard
Talking politics (which we agreed to disagree because having a conversation is the point to politics)
Talking about your work as the class president and how serious you took your job
Jumping on the Star Wars Millennium Falcon pool float
Del’s lemonade
Summer picnics and hammock swings in Rhode Island
Chuck Norris quotes
Supporting Arnold for president
Playing video games at Grandma Jean’s
Going to see Thomas the train with Make A Wish
Your Make a wish train trip across the country
Dressing up for Halloween and choosing to miss an epic Linkin Park concert because how could I say no to you and Robert wanting to be with me
Poop jokes
Farting on me (it was never funny…ever)
Pulling out your NG tube when you were 3 years old
Going to speech therapy and watching you learn to communicate
Finding my passion and my career as a Speech Pathologist – its because of you I’m happy to go to work everyday and help others
Visiting you and Robert on weekends throughout high school and college just to play, be silly, and experience life with you
Surviving 5 liver transplants, 100s of surgeries, biopsies, pokes and prodings
Always fighting…always…never giving up
Flea market sunglasses
Sleeping in your cocoon of 25 pillows
You and Robert smashing cake in my face on my 21st birthday
Watching you do tactile stimulation tasks with your SLP and the bristle brush and you hating every second of it
Playing in the CHOA therapy room
Pushing you and Rob on toy carts in circles in the Marietta blue house
Being with you and rob Christmas morning when Santa came and helping set up toys
Your love of Chicago Rhode Island and his “down south family”
Your love of sweet tea
Your horrible southern accent
Setting booby traps to catch Santa
New Bedford pool diving board jumps
Buying you your first lottery ticket at 18
Hairy moles
Vanilla yogurt
Starbursts
Eating anything and everything with bacon
Captain Underpants books
Fighting depression and choosing to live
Hating Foley catheters
Red blanket
Wearing shoes without strings
Being stubborn
Changing your diapers
Watching you play with trains with your face/head and body on floor moving with them
Giving him a beer at 2 months old …for a pic only!!
Appreciating other countries, their cultures and their food
Loving the Saw movies 1,2,3 and hating 4,5,6
His obsession with Donnie Darko…still don’t understand that movie plot (sorry I’m old)
Wishing we hadn’t wasted money on that Green Lantern movie
Dumping candy into our popcorn bag
Sitting in your underwear all day because well you can and why not
Turning your and robs hair into ace Ventura hair in bath tub
Graduating high school and waking across the stage
Painting pottery with me and robI love you William (Billy – ugh lol) and Robert. Y’all are the best brothers a 15 year old girl never asked for! lol
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Robert, this is such a beautiful sentiment. I have never met anyone like Billy, and I don’t know that I ever will. We had English together with Mrs. Meehl! He was very studious and stoic as you described. You could only imagine how terrified I was when I found out I had to give a counter argument towards his in “court” after we finished reading Of Mice and Men. I knew I had to step my game up! We both came in with the full garb. Billy brought a cane and had a trinket to shuffle around in his hands. We were in it to win it. Once our back and forth started, I tossed out my script. I needed to be a worthy opponent for him. He had all of the right terminology. If it wasn’t for the desks, id swear we were in court! We felt like improv partners and had so much fun. After that, Billy started talking to me in class. He would tell me tidbits of his life, make jokes (he was SO funny and was so matter of fact about it, it made it all the more better) and he even let me borrow a story or two of his stories to read. Such descriptive writing! The imagery was so easy to lock into. The emotion relayed in his words was palpable. I felt really fortunate that he even considered letting me read his writing, he was very private. I’m so happy that you came across his writings, I can only imagine how beautiful is. To be the subject must be even deeper. I’m happy that you got to know how much your brother really loves you, and I know that he knows it too. You carry him in your heart! Thanks for letting us in. X
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How insightful, Robert. I admit I knew Billy a bit better than I knew you because of his years before your arrival and, as you said, the years you were were growing into yourself and not around as much. You describe Billy almost perfectly, which means you did know him and did love him. Thank you for bringing him so vividly to mind. We all, every one of us, has regrets when it comes to someone who has passed or otherwise left our lives; learn from it, don’t wallow in it. Your mom is so very proud of the man you have become: I can see why.
Donna Farmer
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Robert, I was always impressed with how kind and respectful you were to Billy. He was a lot of fun. Andrea and I loved to play games at your house with you, Pat and Billy. I can still see him falling off his chair because he was laughing so hard as were the rest of us.
Another time Andrea and I were driving down Pine and we saw Pat and Billy washing Pat’s car. We stopped and caught up on each other’s lives and then we told them that we were hungry and asked what pizza place they recommended. Billy immediately responded, “Panhead and I’m available. “ After we stopped laughing, we told him to hop in and invited Pat also.
We have so many great memories of Billy and his smiling happy face, including stopping at Children’s Hospital in Chicago to play some games with him, completely unaware that in a few days he would die.
We feel very fortunate to have known Billy as well as you and Pat. We are very impressed with all of your travels and adventures.
Bill Schewe
Hi Robert. Your Mom has kept us up to date on your life these past several years. We are all so proud of you. We loved Billy also. I still have his funeral service card with his picture taped inside a cupboard in my back hall. I remember going to the Greek festival in DB with Billy. He loved elephant ears, a powdered sweet dough confection. He always had one. I also went to Stavros with him on 1. He loved their Italian food. You were a wonderful brother to him. All the best, Andrea Schewe -
Robert, what a beautiful story about your brother! Very thoughtful and touching! It brought such great memories of the times I took care of Billy while he was at CMH and Lurie’s! I have known Billy since he was 3 years of old. I always looked forward to Billy and your mom’s trips to Chicago so I could see them!
You are a wonderful writer!! Great job!
Best,
Kim -
Robert, what a touching tribute to your brother. He would be so proud. Please don’t judge your younger self harshly. Of course If you had known how heartbreaking short Billy’s life would be, you might have done some things differently. But I saw the way you interacted with him……the care and kindness and love you showed him, and the way he adored you . I was touched by the special relationship you two had. And if Billy could have chosen anyone in the whole wide world to be his brother, he would have picked you….just the way you are.
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Hi Rob,
Like everyone, your tribute to your brother really moved me♥️You wrote from the soul and showed your oh so human vulnerabilities which was so very touching. I learned from a very wise person that regardless of what you do, you will always feel guilty when a loved one dies. You always feel you could have done more…so give yourself a break!
I don’t believe a relationship ends because someone dies. Billy will always be in your heart and you can talk to him whenever you want.
He would be very proud of who you have become, not only with your accomplishments, but because of your heart and soul is open to the humanity of living.
Big hug🤗
Linda -
Robert, thank you for this post. Your transparency and accuracy speaks total truth, but the lessons learned are of greater truth. Life is time, time is life but it’s also the experiences and intimacy together, time without intimate experience is just a Clock ticking. I believe your relationship with Billy now is something he’s experiencing too. It’s as though, you’re making up for lost time. Thank you. I want to read this again. Love ya man, Jim Spencer
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Beautiful tribute to Billy. You were so honest with your feelings.
You are right, it’s hard to put words down or talk about what you are going through during a time like this. Losing five of our family members (Harrison, Billy, Grandma Jean, Papa Ray and Grandpa Prosser) within five years time was extremely difficult.
But, having friends and family to help you remember all the good times is very important.
Know that “I love you” and I know that Billy is smiling down on you!
Aunt Linda -
Hi Rob, just read this story. Very touching and thoughtful. Took a lot of guts to write this. You have a gift. Keep at it. Bill
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What an incredible tribute to Billy. He would feel so proud of you and all you’ve achieved and how kind and thoughtful YOU are. You have grown from Tomato Bob to Philosopher Bob. Love you lots. Aunt Cathy
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What a beautiful memorial of your brother Billy. Very heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing so fully of yourself! I remember having similar guilt and feelings when my grandmother was taken from us suddenly with a stroke – I loved her deeply but in the last few years of her life, I had become pre-occupied with my own – starting a career, buying a house and preparing to get married. She died a month before my wedding that I was having second thoughts about. With so much going on for my 24-year-old self I probably bottled my grief for years! Thanks for sharing your lessons, Robert!
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Rob:
What a wonderful and moving post. Thank you for sharing with us. LOVE, UNCLE TED ❤️❤️🙏🙏 -
One day while driving home from high school, I made the left turn on the road that runs north-south along the middle school and noticed a young man walking with a rolling backpack on the sidewalk. For some reason on this day, I was feeling more connected to my surroundings than my normal in-my-own-world way, the young man was Billy.
I pulled up alongside him, rolled down the window and said, “hey Billy you want a ride?”
He seemed startled and confused, but immediately said “oh hey man! Yeah that would be great.”
We shot the breeze in the car ride on our way to miss Pat’s place on pine, talking briefly about music, swimming, and just the general “what we’d been up to.”
I can take 3 things away from this small 10 minute interaction.
1. All in all, Billy was a cool guy. Easy to chat with when you picked the right subjects, kept it simple and chill. Someone who was just easy to be around as long as you’re both in understanding that you don’t have to keep talking to enjoy someone’s presence. Few people I know have this quality, they are all among my favorite people to be around.
2. I complained a lot when I was younger, I still am guilty of it now, but I like to think I’m getting better. I’m growing. Here Billy was walking down the side of the road rolling his back pack along, roughly noon or 1pm on a Wednesday, 80° Florida weather. Not a shred of dismay or annoyance in his demeanor. Walking home probably after a duel enrollment class, in a slight sweat, he’d get there eventually. Just making the most of the situation, trucking along. I think about this moment often, and it always reminds me to keep trucking, no matter what. Eventually, you’ll get there.
3. Even though I’d known Billy throughout our long friendship, we never spoke much more than the usual hey Billy, what’s up man! How you doin? Despite that, he was always kind and polite. I think this was the last time we ever spoke to each other, and all I can take back from the situation was how much admiration and respect I had for Billy. Here he is cruising down the sidewalk from school on his way home after class, most would complain they had to walk or force someone to give them a ride, can’t say I wouldn’t have tried to avoid the walk at all costs. When I dropped him off and watched him walk up to Mom’s house, I remember thinking, fuck yeah Billy. Do your thing and just keep trucking.
I want to be more like Billy.When I came to the funeral, I thought about this encounter as I first sat down, I wish that I went up in front of everyone and shared it. I know it would’ve made you and your whole family laugh, smile and cry. I don’t know what to say, in the moment, around all the boys, I was too weak to get up and speak. I could barely stand up when it was over, watching your best friend go through something like that.
I’m glad I can share it with you now, I wanted to do it in person when the time was right, but fuck it!
I love you man, gonna keep doing my best every day to live more like Billy did.
He’d be so stoked so see us living hard and thinking about him. -
Amazing, Robert you are a true inspiration to everyone who reads this beautiful tribute to a special brother and my friend. Memories of all the times we spent boating , going to Dissapearing Island and spending wkends at your home. They are cemented in my thoughts and re-run often. You were never 2nd to our family . I know this tribute was cathodic for you. Thank you for sharing.
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Bobby,
Yes, I will always think of you as Bobby because somehow you told me your freshman year I could call you Bobby. This is a heartwarming tribute to your brother. My heart and mind identified with you and remembered so many emotions I saw you experience and reminded me of so my memories of Billy. I so love the man you have become. I knew you would succeed and accomplish so much. I look forward to seeing how much more your accomplish.
With fond memories and much respect,
Mrs. Meehl -
Oh Robert! You have touched my soul in so many ways. Your brother was lucky to have you. It appears he knew more about you than you did at that time, he seems like he understood your position in his life and loved you unconditionally. As your mom does. It takes courage to explore yourself deeply as you’re doing at this tender age. You are loved by many, specially your amazing mom.
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OMG. You are the smartest,sweetest, and kindest man. I couldn’t read the whole tribute in one sitting. My heart and eyes kept filling up, but what I took away is such a great life lesson. One I know, but it’s so good to be reminded. I read how you have matured and have regrets but forgive your self for those regrets. How you don’t begrudge that little seven-year-old boy or self centered teen that you were. You are such an example of forgiveness, grace, mercy, patience and the rest of the fruits of the spirit. I love that kid and I love who you are today.
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This is amazing and I’m sure Billy would be proud of the man you’ve become. I didn’t know he wrote a play but I would love to read it sometime.
I think when we lose someone, we often think about what we could’ve done differently. It’s apart of the grieving process and what makes us human but I also think that whoever we lose is still with us in spirit, trying to comfort us along the way. I think it makes them the most happy when we can look back and smile at the times we had and think about how much they’ve taught us. Billy is out there somewhere rooting for you, Rob!! -
Oh Robert!! Brought tears to my eyes. So eloquently written from the heart. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You are soulful and have amazing insight. Stay true to who you are always.
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Rob your words moved me. You were a sweet, kind young boy too. You’re parents were with Billy in Chicago for a transplant. I was sitting for you one night and we were getting you ready for bed. You said your prayers and then looked up at me and asked if Billy was going to be ok. The anxiety on your face broke my heart. We talked about it and agreed to be “cautiously optimistic”. You liked that…. once I explained what it meant! Your tribute to Billy is wonderful. I know he’s smiling from heaven. Now, I need to go get more tissue…Love you both. Suzanne K
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Robert,
Your tribute to Billy , and the bravery it takes to reveal your deepest thoughts , feelings and regrets
Resonates to me as well.
I think Billy has given you a gift. That is to be responsible but to stay a child.
It’s cool to be a kid. They trust , love and live in the moment. -
Beautiful.💙💙
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Gosh…I have so many wonderful memories. One of my favorites of all my favorites is trying to sneak around with you and Billy when you were still too young to drive to get gifts for your mom for occasions like Christmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day. It was so much fun for me to try and make it happen without her knowing. 💙💙The gift suggestion you both immediately shot me down on was…the worm farm. You both said “No!” without any hesitation 🤣🤣🤣
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25 responses to “Ten Years Without My Brother”
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Halo tournaments until 3am that would often lead to some not so virtual combat. Though it was usually the brothers battling each other as boys, those childhood bouts would be the ties that bonded us together as men.
Much love, and a happy belated birthday, to Billy -
I wrote most of these memories after William passed while you, dad, and I were on the plane leaving Chicago. I was so sad and heartbroken he was gone. But while we sat on the plane, I suddenly smelled him felt him there with me. How can that happen!?! It was so scary. emotional and surprising but then immediately gave me the peace I needed most. I couldn’t stop all the memories flooding into my brain and wrote all of these down (along with some of Robert’s input too). I love and miss Billy everyday. I share his story with my patients and always remind them to love life and spread as much happiness as possible to others around you.
Here are all the memories from that plane ride…most made it into my speech at his funeral. Love you
Memories of William
Baby Buddha belly
Watching sing a long VHS tapes
Making camp outs on the floor
Getting him to speak his first words while dangling pizza (he was 3 years old)
His infectious baby laugh
First concert-N/Sync…shhh he secretly liked it
Chuckle cheese birthdays
Bowling party birthdays
Making blanket forts
Watching Jurassic park 3 and saying he was going to change his name to Billy like in movie and I said UGH no way, no thanks
Bath time in big jacuzzi tub
Making a sign that said “kiss her” after Joel and I went on our 2nd date
Teaching me YUGIOH card game on floor in front of TV in NSB so I could impress a 17 yr old patient at work
Kirby
Pufferfish
Painting his fish tank stand
Going to the movies – they were always more fun with him and rob there
Wedgies (including ultimate car bungy cord wedgies!!!)
Road trip to Rhode Island in mini van playing Nintendo 64 and conkers bad fur day-YES we beat the game!
Cannonballs and water guns in the pool
Pushing him on swing sets
Losing to him at super Mario kart
Playing Carcassonne and settlers of catan
Civ 5 conversations I never understood
Our love of the sims computer games
Conducting at he Atlanta Symphony Orchestra and picking your wedgie out of your butt in front of hundreds of people
Wearing a top hat and using a cane at my wedding
Playing guitar at my wedding to Joel and I
Singing “Sweet Larisa” with your rewritten lyrics
Writing a school paper on me
Making me pictures in elementary school
Torturing you with tickles
Eating Pizza Hut, Stavro’s and capozzis YUM oh and m&m pizza
Visiting you in Chicago at the hospital
Witnessing your unbelievable strength and perseverance while in the hospital
Your free flowing thought process
Reading aloud your autobiography
Watching movies like The Help and Lincoln and crying over movies together
Biting your toe nails DUDE! YUCK lol
Your weird constant throat clearing
Puréed orange and green meals which you ate from birth to 10 or 11 years old
Making your aqua teen hunger force outfit for Halloween
Introducing you to Adam saddler and The Damn Show (because that’s what big sisters are for…to be bad influencers)
Sitting in my car listening to “Piece of $^%& car”
Rack em rack and Cherokee quotes from The Damn Show
Your smile
Your infectious laugh
Your impatience with me whenever I tried to sympathize or want to take your pain away and saying “it’s not your fault Ris. Don’t say you are sorry for me”
Beach trips and taking tons of pictures
Babysitting and using markers to write all over your faces and butts with robert hehe (I’m not always a good babysitter)
Forgetting to make you brush your teeth and getting yelled at
Hanging out with me as a new mom and telling me I’m a good mom to my baby Jayce
Giving Jayce Dusty and El Chu planes just because you wanted to give him something from you
Our road trip to Marietta and your week long stay before you passed (you didn’t tell me you were sick)
Going to eat sushi buffet and watching you eat 5 plates full of Chinese items I had never heard of
Going to the high museum to see the girl with the pearl earring exhibit
Eating at the varsity
Taking you to airport and hearing Jayce saying “I don’t want Bil-we to go”
Our last conversation when you were struggling to breath deep and sounded robotic and choppy (I should have known it was bad but you didn’t tell me)
Random Facebook postings and odd your odd pics and posts – you are totally you
A sense of humor all your own but I totally get and admire
The hardships of trying to grow a beard
Talking politics (which we agreed to disagree because having a conversation is the point to politics)
Talking about your work as the class president and how serious you took your job
Jumping on the Star Wars Millennium Falcon pool float
Del’s lemonade
Summer picnics and hammock swings in Rhode Island
Chuck Norris quotes
Supporting Arnold for president
Playing video games at Grandma Jean’s
Going to see Thomas the train with Make A Wish
Your Make a wish train trip across the country
Dressing up for Halloween and choosing to miss an epic Linkin Park concert because how could I say no to you and Robert wanting to be with me
Poop jokes
Farting on me (it was never funny…ever)
Pulling out your NG tube when you were 3 years old
Going to speech therapy and watching you learn to communicate
Finding my passion and my career as a Speech Pathologist – its because of you I’m happy to go to work everyday and help others
Visiting you and Robert on weekends throughout high school and college just to play, be silly, and experience life with you
Surviving 5 liver transplants, 100s of surgeries, biopsies, pokes and prodings
Always fighting…always…never giving up
Flea market sunglasses
Sleeping in your cocoon of 25 pillows
You and Robert smashing cake in my face on my 21st birthday
Watching you do tactile stimulation tasks with your SLP and the bristle brush and you hating every second of it
Playing in the CHOA therapy room
Pushing you and Rob on toy carts in circles in the Marietta blue house
Being with you and rob Christmas morning when Santa came and helping set up toys
Your love of Chicago Rhode Island and his “down south family”
Your love of sweet tea
Your horrible southern accent
Setting booby traps to catch Santa
New Bedford pool diving board jumps
Buying you your first lottery ticket at 18
Hairy moles
Vanilla yogurt
Starbursts
Eating anything and everything with bacon
Captain Underpants books
Fighting depression and choosing to live
Hating Foley catheters
Red blanket
Wearing shoes without strings
Being stubborn
Changing your diapers
Watching you play with trains with your face/head and body on floor moving with them
Giving him a beer at 2 months old …for a pic only!!
Appreciating other countries, their cultures and their food
Loving the Saw movies 1,2,3 and hating 4,5,6
His obsession with Donnie Darko…still don’t understand that movie plot (sorry I’m old)
Wishing we hadn’t wasted money on that Green Lantern movie
Dumping candy into our popcorn bag
Sitting in your underwear all day because well you can and why not
Turning your and robs hair into ace Ventura hair in bath tub
Graduating high school and waking across the stage
Painting pottery with me and robI love you William (Billy – ugh lol) and Robert. Y’all are the best brothers a 15 year old girl never asked for! lol
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Robert, this is such a beautiful sentiment. I have never met anyone like Billy, and I don’t know that I ever will. We had English together with Mrs. Meehl! He was very studious and stoic as you described. You could only imagine how terrified I was when I found out I had to give a counter argument towards his in “court” after we finished reading Of Mice and Men. I knew I had to step my game up! We both came in with the full garb. Billy brought a cane and had a trinket to shuffle around in his hands. We were in it to win it. Once our back and forth started, I tossed out my script. I needed to be a worthy opponent for him. He had all of the right terminology. If it wasn’t for the desks, id swear we were in court! We felt like improv partners and had so much fun. After that, Billy started talking to me in class. He would tell me tidbits of his life, make jokes (he was SO funny and was so matter of fact about it, it made it all the more better) and he even let me borrow a story or two of his stories to read. Such descriptive writing! The imagery was so easy to lock into. The emotion relayed in his words was palpable. I felt really fortunate that he even considered letting me read his writing, he was very private. I’m so happy that you came across his writings, I can only imagine how beautiful is. To be the subject must be even deeper. I’m happy that you got to know how much your brother really loves you, and I know that he knows it too. You carry him in your heart! Thanks for letting us in. X
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How insightful, Robert. I admit I knew Billy a bit better than I knew you because of his years before your arrival and, as you said, the years you were were growing into yourself and not around as much. You describe Billy almost perfectly, which means you did know him and did love him. Thank you for bringing him so vividly to mind. We all, every one of us, has regrets when it comes to someone who has passed or otherwise left our lives; learn from it, don’t wallow in it. Your mom is so very proud of the man you have become: I can see why.
Donna Farmer
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Robert, I was always impressed with how kind and respectful you were to Billy. He was a lot of fun. Andrea and I loved to play games at your house with you, Pat and Billy. I can still see him falling off his chair because he was laughing so hard as were the rest of us.
Another time Andrea and I were driving down Pine and we saw Pat and Billy washing Pat’s car. We stopped and caught up on each other’s lives and then we told them that we were hungry and asked what pizza place they recommended. Billy immediately responded, “Panhead and I’m available. “ After we stopped laughing, we told him to hop in and invited Pat also.
We have so many great memories of Billy and his smiling happy face, including stopping at Children’s Hospital in Chicago to play some games with him, completely unaware that in a few days he would die.
We feel very fortunate to have known Billy as well as you and Pat. We are very impressed with all of your travels and adventures.
Bill Schewe
Hi Robert. Your Mom has kept us up to date on your life these past several years. We are all so proud of you. We loved Billy also. I still have his funeral service card with his picture taped inside a cupboard in my back hall. I remember going to the Greek festival in DB with Billy. He loved elephant ears, a powdered sweet dough confection. He always had one. I also went to Stavros with him on 1. He loved their Italian food. You were a wonderful brother to him. All the best, Andrea Schewe -
Robert, what a beautiful story about your brother! Very thoughtful and touching! It brought such great memories of the times I took care of Billy while he was at CMH and Lurie’s! I have known Billy since he was 3 years of old. I always looked forward to Billy and your mom’s trips to Chicago so I could see them!
You are a wonderful writer!! Great job!
Best,
Kim -
Robert, what a touching tribute to your brother. He would be so proud. Please don’t judge your younger self harshly. Of course If you had known how heartbreaking short Billy’s life would be, you might have done some things differently. But I saw the way you interacted with him……the care and kindness and love you showed him, and the way he adored you . I was touched by the special relationship you two had. And if Billy could have chosen anyone in the whole wide world to be his brother, he would have picked you….just the way you are.
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Hi Rob,
Like everyone, your tribute to your brother really moved me♥️You wrote from the soul and showed your oh so human vulnerabilities which was so very touching. I learned from a very wise person that regardless of what you do, you will always feel guilty when a loved one dies. You always feel you could have done more…so give yourself a break!
I don’t believe a relationship ends because someone dies. Billy will always be in your heart and you can talk to him whenever you want.
He would be very proud of who you have become, not only with your accomplishments, but because of your heart and soul is open to the humanity of living.
Big hug🤗
Linda -
Robert, thank you for this post. Your transparency and accuracy speaks total truth, but the lessons learned are of greater truth. Life is time, time is life but it’s also the experiences and intimacy together, time without intimate experience is just a Clock ticking. I believe your relationship with Billy now is something he’s experiencing too. It’s as though, you’re making up for lost time. Thank you. I want to read this again. Love ya man, Jim Spencer
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Beautiful tribute to Billy. You were so honest with your feelings.
You are right, it’s hard to put words down or talk about what you are going through during a time like this. Losing five of our family members (Harrison, Billy, Grandma Jean, Papa Ray and Grandpa Prosser) within five years time was extremely difficult.
But, having friends and family to help you remember all the good times is very important.
Know that “I love you” and I know that Billy is smiling down on you!
Aunt Linda -
Hi Rob, just read this story. Very touching and thoughtful. Took a lot of guts to write this. You have a gift. Keep at it. Bill
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What an incredible tribute to Billy. He would feel so proud of you and all you’ve achieved and how kind and thoughtful YOU are. You have grown from Tomato Bob to Philosopher Bob. Love you lots. Aunt Cathy
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What a beautiful memorial of your brother Billy. Very heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing so fully of yourself! I remember having similar guilt and feelings when my grandmother was taken from us suddenly with a stroke – I loved her deeply but in the last few years of her life, I had become pre-occupied with my own – starting a career, buying a house and preparing to get married. She died a month before my wedding that I was having second thoughts about. With so much going on for my 24-year-old self I probably bottled my grief for years! Thanks for sharing your lessons, Robert!
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Rob:
What a wonderful and moving post. Thank you for sharing with us. LOVE, UNCLE TED ❤️❤️🙏🙏 -
One day while driving home from high school, I made the left turn on the road that runs north-south along the middle school and noticed a young man walking with a rolling backpack on the sidewalk. For some reason on this day, I was feeling more connected to my surroundings than my normal in-my-own-world way, the young man was Billy.
I pulled up alongside him, rolled down the window and said, “hey Billy you want a ride?”
He seemed startled and confused, but immediately said “oh hey man! Yeah that would be great.”
We shot the breeze in the car ride on our way to miss Pat’s place on pine, talking briefly about music, swimming, and just the general “what we’d been up to.”
I can take 3 things away from this small 10 minute interaction.
1. All in all, Billy was a cool guy. Easy to chat with when you picked the right subjects, kept it simple and chill. Someone who was just easy to be around as long as you’re both in understanding that you don’t have to keep talking to enjoy someone’s presence. Few people I know have this quality, they are all among my favorite people to be around.
2. I complained a lot when I was younger, I still am guilty of it now, but I like to think I’m getting better. I’m growing. Here Billy was walking down the side of the road rolling his back pack along, roughly noon or 1pm on a Wednesday, 80° Florida weather. Not a shred of dismay or annoyance in his demeanor. Walking home probably after a duel enrollment class, in a slight sweat, he’d get there eventually. Just making the most of the situation, trucking along. I think about this moment often, and it always reminds me to keep trucking, no matter what. Eventually, you’ll get there.
3. Even though I’d known Billy throughout our long friendship, we never spoke much more than the usual hey Billy, what’s up man! How you doin? Despite that, he was always kind and polite. I think this was the last time we ever spoke to each other, and all I can take back from the situation was how much admiration and respect I had for Billy. Here he is cruising down the sidewalk from school on his way home after class, most would complain they had to walk or force someone to give them a ride, can’t say I wouldn’t have tried to avoid the walk at all costs. When I dropped him off and watched him walk up to Mom’s house, I remember thinking, fuck yeah Billy. Do your thing and just keep trucking.
I want to be more like Billy.When I came to the funeral, I thought about this encounter as I first sat down, I wish that I went up in front of everyone and shared it. I know it would’ve made you and your whole family laugh, smile and cry. I don’t know what to say, in the moment, around all the boys, I was too weak to get up and speak. I could barely stand up when it was over, watching your best friend go through something like that.
I’m glad I can share it with you now, I wanted to do it in person when the time was right, but fuck it!
I love you man, gonna keep doing my best every day to live more like Billy did.
He’d be so stoked so see us living hard and thinking about him. -
Amazing, Robert you are a true inspiration to everyone who reads this beautiful tribute to a special brother and my friend. Memories of all the times we spent boating , going to Dissapearing Island and spending wkends at your home. They are cemented in my thoughts and re-run often. You were never 2nd to our family . I know this tribute was cathodic for you. Thank you for sharing.
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Bobby,
Yes, I will always think of you as Bobby because somehow you told me your freshman year I could call you Bobby. This is a heartwarming tribute to your brother. My heart and mind identified with you and remembered so many emotions I saw you experience and reminded me of so my memories of Billy. I so love the man you have become. I knew you would succeed and accomplish so much. I look forward to seeing how much more your accomplish.
With fond memories and much respect,
Mrs. Meehl -
Oh Robert! You have touched my soul in so many ways. Your brother was lucky to have you. It appears he knew more about you than you did at that time, he seems like he understood your position in his life and loved you unconditionally. As your mom does. It takes courage to explore yourself deeply as you’re doing at this tender age. You are loved by many, specially your amazing mom.
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OMG. You are the smartest,sweetest, and kindest man. I couldn’t read the whole tribute in one sitting. My heart and eyes kept filling up, but what I took away is such a great life lesson. One I know, but it’s so good to be reminded. I read how you have matured and have regrets but forgive your self for those regrets. How you don’t begrudge that little seven-year-old boy or self centered teen that you were. You are such an example of forgiveness, grace, mercy, patience and the rest of the fruits of the spirit. I love that kid and I love who you are today.
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This is amazing and I’m sure Billy would be proud of the man you’ve become. I didn’t know he wrote a play but I would love to read it sometime.
I think when we lose someone, we often think about what we could’ve done differently. It’s apart of the grieving process and what makes us human but I also think that whoever we lose is still with us in spirit, trying to comfort us along the way. I think it makes them the most happy when we can look back and smile at the times we had and think about how much they’ve taught us. Billy is out there somewhere rooting for you, Rob!! -
Oh Robert!! Brought tears to my eyes. So eloquently written from the heart. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You are soulful and have amazing insight. Stay true to who you are always.
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Rob your words moved me. You were a sweet, kind young boy too. You’re parents were with Billy in Chicago for a transplant. I was sitting for you one night and we were getting you ready for bed. You said your prayers and then looked up at me and asked if Billy was going to be ok. The anxiety on your face broke my heart. We talked about it and agreed to be “cautiously optimistic”. You liked that…. once I explained what it meant! Your tribute to Billy is wonderful. I know he’s smiling from heaven. Now, I need to go get more tissue…Love you both. Suzanne K
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Robert,
Your tribute to Billy , and the bravery it takes to reveal your deepest thoughts , feelings and regrets
Resonates to me as well.
I think Billy has given you a gift. That is to be responsible but to stay a child.
It’s cool to be a kid. They trust , love and live in the moment. -
Beautiful.💙💙
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Gosh…I have so many wonderful memories. One of my favorites of all my favorites is trying to sneak around with you and Billy when you were still too young to drive to get gifts for your mom for occasions like Christmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day. It was so much fun for me to try and make it happen without her knowing. 💙💙The gift suggestion you both immediately shot me down on was…the worm farm. You both said “No!” without any hesitation 🤣🤣🤣
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